A Few Days Later

I was feeling pregnant again. 

Symptoms as usual, on high alert:

Overall Feeling:  Check.
Boobs Sore:  This time no need to hit, check.
Tired: Check.
Eyes Semi Glowing:  Seriously, I know, I know! But check. 

Alright, 15 pee sticks later, a bathroom that looked like a meth lab or some crazy science experiment gone wrong, I got my positive. 

Holy crap, holy crap, holy crap.

I called my doctor.  Tells me to come on in and get another HCG Quant.  Knowing this is going to be another 48 hour deal, I eat Oreos in bed.  Lots of Oreos.

24 hours later I find out I am officially pregnant.  Taking this in, I realize I need to approach this very cautiously.  As hard as I tried, naturally, I got excited. 

After I got my blood taken again (one needle this time thank you very much) my nurse calls me and tells me my progesterone came back and rang in at an 8.  Hey, that's better than 1.9 right?  Right.  She tells me she is going to call in some progesterone tablets to take until the 12 week mark as soon as she gets the results for the second HCG pull. 

Feeling like a nervous wreck, I wait.  Wait for the call.

The next day my doctor calls me.  He said, "Caitlin I'm so sorry, your HCG dropped to seven, you are having another miscarriage. Go ahead and stop taking the progesterone (what progesterone?) and try to relax.  I don't feel as though we need to do any further testing.  Let's wait and see what happens."

As my body turns numb, I call my husband.  15 min later he is home.

I kick, I scream about how life isn't fair, I cry, I can't move.  I need to breathe, one in, one out. OK.

The hardest part of a miscarriage for me is the steps you go through. You have to take in what is going on. When you feel there is no possible way you can.  You have to swallow this and you have to wait.  Wait for it all to begin.  There is physical pain, there is emotional pain, there is numbness in between, and there is God.  Who seems to help you get through it all. 

Chris and I again, saved each other from falling down too many times, and holding each other up when we needed it.  I love him, he is the most important thing in my life.

So here I am, and all I can think is that I am going to need a lot more Oreos.